She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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