At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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