I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
