I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
