PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
