i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
