i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
