We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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