I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
