If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Randomize
