Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
