If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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