you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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