last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
