ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Your penis caused this!
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