I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
two words: eviction party
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
