my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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