This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
