I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
