I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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