The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
