By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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