did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
