***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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