Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
