The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
