remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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