I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
