if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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