I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
