It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
