you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
