Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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