You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
