I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
There's always time for handjobs
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
