I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
