barbara walters just said penis...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
