I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
