I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
