I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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