i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
