Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
