i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
