when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
