ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
