I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
