I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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