eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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