You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
