Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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