Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
