we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
